Son, I am dissappoint. AKA, Alice in Wonderland

So, I'm about to join the ranks of "Random people who review movies and think their opinion matters to other random people" because....I watched Alice in Wonderland last nite, and it depressed me so badly that I can't NOT say anything.

Firstly, I love Tim Burton. Not the crazy goth Nightmare Before Christmas underwear-wearing sort of love (actually, I mostly dislike Nightmare Before Christmas....). In general, I like his morbid humour and love of the underdog. That's what appealed to me about Edward Scissorhands and Sweeney Todd and Ed Wood and Corpse Bride.

Alice In Wonderland reminds me that Tim Burton is human.

I anticipated it would be bad. But, I hoped that it would surprise me. I hoped beyond hope that this movie would delight me and make me dream about the day it would be released on dvd. No such luck.

From the very begining, Alice is cast as, surprise surprise, the "weird" one. She's the girl that says things she shouldn't, is a bit sassy, and abhors such restraints of her day such as corsets and , *gasp*, leggings. Oh man, you better watch out for that Alice, she's a feisty one...*eyeroll*. Save for a few moments in the intro scenes, this movie starts off very dull.

And it doesn't get better.

I'm sorry to say that even when she enters Wonderland (or, Underland, as the characters keep saying. so....why is the title "Wonderland" HMMM?? ;-) ) I sighed deeply and already regretted having bought a ticket. The introduction to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum is so dull and akward you feel like you're trying to make small talk with a stranger on a bus. On top of that, I could barely understand what on earth anyone was saying, as the dialogue was mostly just a quick jumble leaving you wondering, "WTF is going on? Oh well. Maybe I'll just nap now" When you're using lots of strange words as the ones used in the film (thank goodness I was already familiar with "Jabberwocky"), you'd want to take care to make sure you don't confuse the hell out of your audience.

Some of the CGI is really beautiful.....but. CGI isn't enough. Did Tim Burton think it was? It seems like he got caught up in making the elements beautiful and interesting and forgot to care about the actual story. For instance, Pan's Labyrinth does a good job of including cgi and effects to actually enhance the story and make it stronger. But even without the effects, the story is so strong it would have stood easily on its own. Along these lines, Alice is fluff. And it isn't even entertaining fluff.

Johnny Depp as the mad hatter. OK. He seems crazy enough, with that creepy gap-toothed grin. I wonder if his character suffers because of the pisspoor plot and dialogue or if he simply acts it poorly. Don't get me wrong, at times he's rather cute and lovable, but mostly you don't really give a crap about him. And when he does a bizarre dance twords the end it's an epic facepalm moment that's sure to leave you groaning in embarassment long afterwards. Actually, the only character I gave a crap about in this movie was the Red Queen. She was the most entertaining and lively of the bunch.

The movie goes from cliche to cliche. Alice is the unwilling heroine. The Red Queen is the jealous big-headed woman who detests perfection in others. The struggle between good vs evil (rendered in such a smarmy, uninteresting way that I was rooting for the Red Queen to just behead the lot of them). And then the ending.....

DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS!!!!

Alice doesn't think twice about going back to the real world. She doesn't even consider staying in this land where she's considered a heroine, where she has friends who love her, and where everyone is "wacky" just like her. I'm reminded of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who, though she was trying to get home the entire time, hesitates at the idea of leaving all of her friends behind.When asked why she wants to return, Alice says has important things to do and see. Does she? I never thought she cared about ANYTHING, and suddenly she's passionate about life? This is nothing in comparison to what happens when she returns. Everyone is lined up at the party she was attending, and she addresses each person with her newfound opinions, moving on to another and then another. This smacks of Burton trying to quickly and "neatly" finish the film, showing how brave and bold Alice has become. Then. Bizarrely. Alice dances the mad hatter dance. just to drive her messages home. before she walks off. Wow. That'll teach them. That'll teach me for seeing this movie! Then we go to a scene where Alice is encouraging a business man to expand trading to China. WTF. And she's on a boat, sailing off to a new, adventuresome life as a businesswoman. JOY. Apparently that's the highly important life she couldn't wait to get back to lead.

Alice has clearly gone 'round the bend afterall.